someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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