Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
