Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Two words: nipple clamps
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