Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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