i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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