You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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