So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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