I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
