you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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