Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
