at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
