I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
