Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I deserve this hangover.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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