I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
