Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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