Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
