im six kinds of drunk right now
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Randomize
