Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
