So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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