i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
