I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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