She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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