Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
