Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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