So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
