I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
