You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
