A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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