So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
