I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
