fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
