After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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