My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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