you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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