I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
