Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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