Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
