I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
be right there i have to get my cape
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
