the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
