i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
