We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
