how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Congratulations! We have a period
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
