You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
