My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
