The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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