hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
