i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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