There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
