I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
