honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
