if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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