found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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