More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
