She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
