The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
