Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
